Navigating the Holidays with a Chronic Illness

With the holiday season approaching, many of us are beginning to think about and plan family gatherings, spiritual or religious practices, and social events. There are often meals to prepare and gifts to create or purchase, all while continuing to maintain our homes, work, self-care, and relationships. It’s a busy time to say the least.

Holidays can be particularly difficult if you are disabled or living with a chronic illness. For many, it is a time of grief, anxiety, or the longing to be more involved than you know you can be. Today’s blog is all about some strategies and ideas to help you navigate the holiday season in a way that supports your physical and mental health.

Be Intentional with Your Boundaries

Commitments: Before you say yes to something (even if it sounds super fun!), it’s important to take a moment to check in with yourself. Ask yourself honestly:

• Am I physically able to do this?

• By saying yes to this, what am I saying no to?

• Will this negatively impact me in any way (my physical or mental health, other commitments I have already made, my finances, etc)?

• Is this important to me? Do I actually want to do this?

Time: 

• Don’t be afraid to set start and end times for any events, and stick to them! These can be a helpful way to set realistic expectations for everyone involved, so everyone is on the same page before the event even begins. This way, you are not having to advocate for yourself on the spot. Everyone knows when to expect you and for how long.

• For many folks, symptoms and spoons can fluctuate based on the time of day (for example, early afternoon is often an easier time of day than early morning). Try to arrange it so your plans fall into the better times of day for your needs.

Resources: holidays have become increasingly commercialized, and many feel the pressure of buying the best gifts, attending all the events, or bringing the “right” dish to that dinner. This is my encouragement for you to determine what the holidays mean to you, not billion dollar corporations advertising on TV and paying influencers to do it on your social media. For most of us, holidays are about connecting with family (be it biological or chosen). Therefore, decide carefully and honestly what your boundaries are surrounding your resources, such as:

• Money - such as setting up a spending limit on gifts and food ahead of time

• Gifts - do your gifts need to be new, or can you encourage second-hand or homemade gifts? Does your family even want to exchange gifts, or could there be an alternative tradition (for example, in my immediate family our “gifts” to each other are usually experiences at some point during the year)

• Your home - hosting isn’t just potentially expensive, it also involves a lot of time, effort, and energy that you just may not have this year. And that’s okay!

• Transportation - whether you’re driving, using public transit, or taking an Uber, transportation to and from events can add up quickly. Don’t forget about this factor when planning!

Topics: This is by far the area I receive the most questions about (both in the therapy session and online) during any holiday season. Boundaries are difficult for a variety of reasons, but anyone who has found themselves hiding in the bathroom to escape an interrogative aunt or parent can tell you that the holidays can sometimes seem to bring out the worst in people. What we would never ask someone on a random Tuesday suddenly becomes fair game at the Christmas table. This can be particularly true when it comes to issues involving physical or mental health. Some topics it is important to set boundaries around are:

• Your diagnosis or condition (this goes for having to justify, educate, or explain it, regardless of whether it is formal or self-diagnosis)

• Symptoms

• Medication

• Whether you choose to take them

• Why/why not

• What meds you take/don’t take

• Treatment

• What treatment you are or have done (and how they’re working for you)

• Other treatments that exist (because you know someone has heard of a vitamin that apparently “cures” your incurable condition – or have you tried yoga? *insert eye roll here*)

• Your decisions about treatment

• Prognosis

Note: just because someone is well-meaning does not mean you are obligated to satisfy their curiosity, educate them, or discuss these very personal and intimate details about your health

Politics: I think we can all agree that politics are difficult. People are passionate about their beliefs, as they are entrenched in our values and are often based on individual experiences of larger, complicated structural issues. Now more than ever, there is a lot of division and discomfort that exists in our society. Many disabled and chronically ill folks are passionate about politics, because we are living in an ableist world that is actively oppressive and marginalizing. I am therefore not suggesting that anyone should avoid engaging in political discourse if that is what you want to do. What I am suggesting is that you consider honestly what your comfort level is, what the goal is, and whether engaging in that conversation with that specific person is something you are reasonably able to do. 

For example: your grandparent who has identified as socially Conservative since the ’60s is complaining about the “welfare system” in stigmatizing and derogatory terms. You receive ODSP, feel angry and hurt, and find yourself wanting to change his mind.

Ask yourself: is this person truly open to hearing my side? Am I truly open to having a debate about this topic, and hearing their side? What is the likely or realistic outcome? Has this situation happened in the past and, if so, what was the result that time(s)? If the likely outcome is you remain hurt and angry, and your grandparent continues to hold firm to his belief, it is probably not worth the spoons.

Treat Yourself with Love, Patience, and Grace

Whether you are having a good day or a difficult day, or somewhere in between, it is important to remember that you are a human being who is ultimately trying to do the best they can with what they have. I wanted to end this blog with some gentle encouragement as you navigate this complex season. Below are some affirmations, and I encourage you to take any that are helpful to you, or to comment your own to help another chronic warrior.

Affirmations

• My dietary needs are necessary and important

• My symptoms are real

• It’s okay to say no or change your mind

• Your health needs are more important than the wants of others around you

If the holidays are tough for you, please remember: this season is temporary, and will pass as all the others have. You can do this xx